Short, Illustrated Love Stories
Fiction / Illustrated
The Rumpus, 2016

“Once, a long time ago, I told a girl her face was pathetic.”

Simple Games and How to Play Them
Humor / Illustrated
theEEEL, 2016

“The origin of the game is known to have involved an attempt to freshen stinky feet.”

Doll Love
Fiction
Jabberbock Review, 2015
Pushcart Prize Nominee
(not available online)

“Two floors up, Joanne heard a scream so penetrating, it pierced the floors; so loud, it blasted the dust off plants.”

Short, Moderately Sad Love Stories
Flash Fiction
Columbia Journal, 2015

“My first thought about you was, There’s another goofy looking girl.”

Shop Now: Subject Lines from Banana Republic Emails, Interpreted
Humor
Trop, 2014

“Pants: you don’t have to wear them on just your legs anymore.”

Three Yelp Reviews
Flash Fiction
Gigantic, 2014
(not available online)

“Someday, perhaps someday soon, all hell’s gonna break loose.”

Short, Improbable Love Stories
Flash Fiction
Keyhole, 2013

“You were buck hunting from the air, going east. I was searching for lost Eskimo gold, going west.”

The Demise of Misha Temkin
Fiction
Wag's Revue, 2013

“Misha Temkin was often called Dushka by his closer friends, but this is of no concern to us, nor was it of concern to Dr. Vassili Galashnikov as he sawed open Misha’s head...”

The Wise Man
Fiction
Kugelmass, 2013
(not available online)

“He was an ageless sage for a sageless age, the wisest of the wise, both crafty and clever.”

Saudi Springs
Humor
Punchnel's, 2012

“...the word ‘oil’ has negative connotations. We must re-brand ‘oil,’ perhaps along the lines of the mineral waters.”

Time to Go
Fiction
Prairie Schooner, 2009
(not available online)

“Doctor Ikiru said: ‘You have but twelve months to live.’”

 

Scenes from the Writing of a Novel, with Illustrations (Scene 39, Illustration 8a)
Flash fiction
Pindeldyboz, 2008

“Sitting outside today, ‘working on my novel’, I noticed two flies having sex.”

(This list is mostly complete.  What little else I may have out there doesn't merit mention, though this list kind of still makes me snicker, and there was a 2005 essay I liked, about Riga, Latvia, in which I discussed the city's stillness, beauty, and how its women wore very tight pants.  But I can't find it.)

Maybe consider subscribing to one of the journals above, or donating to one that's free?  They all are or were run by outstanding specimens of humanity.  And sure, you could do more to show your appreciation—you could send them diamonds, recreational drugs, or sign them up for lifelong subscriptions to my new startup, Jeevs, which delivers handsome and highly-skilled manservants to clients every month.  But subscribing/donating is less morally ambiguous and only takes a minute.